Many of us still have a concept that in the "good old days", families took care of their own with wonderful results. We recall or imagine an aging parent feeling at home and happy living with an adult child. The truth is, we may be recalling such a concept through the unpracticed eye of a child or without even that much experience to base such an impression on. The lack of retirement centers in days gone by doesn't necessarily mean everyone lived together happily ever after.
We often smile with approval when we see adult children stepping up to the plate when parents no longer can fend well for themselves. We hear and admire their strong affirmation that "we're not sending mother to that kind of place!" The idea is to build a cottage "out back" or use a daylight basement to good advantage. It all sounds so great. The parent will be close by and feel loved. It will be easier to look in on him/her, too. How is it possible to monitor care, otherwise$%: Better to take it on and keep it in the family.
Many seniors wish they had families that had such attitudes and some may look longingly toward those who are so fortunate as to be "taken in" to a loving, secure home. What a reasonable, workable solution!
We need to think more clearly about the perceived utopia of togetherness in such situations. From those who have tried it, we often hear another story. If they are able to offer a candid appraisal, where honesty is not forfeited for obvious reasons, we may hear of myriad problems and issues they didn't anticipate came to light.
The situation can be one that disintegrates. Parents who drive, can lose that skill. Then, shopping, doctor appointments and even social events may become the caretaker's nemesis. A parent can become less and less of a housekeeper, and if and when memory starts to hit the skids, problems may tend to increase. Young or middle-aged children with full lives and limited time can get backed into a corner. For the parent, part of this picture may even include a declining ability to find a way to pass the time. Needs change.
If and when pie-in-the-sky idealism wears off, how can the budding caretakers reconsider the issue of checking out one of "those places" without it looking like rejection$%: As they come to see that increasingly dependent parents are often alone all day and lonely...waiting, patiently or impatiently as the case may be, for them to make life full, rewarding, interesting and comfortable, how do they adapt and accommodate to the situation$%:
It's true that some retirement centers are despicable, maybe even many...but not all.
Before ever getting backed into a corner, adult children need to investigate every option, and work with aging parents to find a mutually satisfying solution. If a place sounds and looks great, and doesn't work out, it may be time to try another. One bad experience doesn't have to be the end of the concept.
There can be a huge difference in the quality of life between being alone most of the time in an adult child's home and living in a supportive retirement center. One benefit is the "extended family feeling" that can come from living with agreeable peers. Having one's own life instead of waiting for someone else to create it can be a wonderful experience for an aging senior. Often sharing simple volunteering jobs helps to promote the feeling of being useful without feeling like it is required. Activities can be looked at closely and residents in a supportive retirement center can pick and choose. Most importantly, as needs change, additional help is available.
The outcome can be a full life with visits from adult children being happy occasions. The removal of the dreaded feeling of obligation on one side and dependency on the other can be replaced with a celebration of the golden years by everyone involved.
Why not consider talking, researching, suggesting and creating a plan that will be workable$%: It definitely requires putting down rose-colored glasses and looking at what may be ahead, long-range, with clarity and honesty. Partnerships between aging seniors and adult children don't have to exclusively play out under one roof. In fact, one roof can be a very poor choice.
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